Training Children

12/06/07 - 5th Day - After Breakfast. The following is only one of the questions and the answer from the most recent Q&A Fridays, Issue #34. I post it here because I think it is important:

Michael,

We have trouble holding our child's attention for very long. I know that you stated that children ought to be well behaved and that in earlier generations children were trained to sit through long (sometimes 3-6 hour!) sermons without wiggling or acting up. I need help.

It is interesting that I was talking to my wife Danielle about this today. I am afraid this answer is going to be long and in-depth, since it involves many things I have been needing to say. Now there are numerous problems with the current state of child-rearing and child training that cause behaviors like a short attention span and other such rebellions (yes, this is rebellion). I could write a book on the subject, and it is much too broad to be covered here. But, first we have to acknowledge, like you have, that we need help. That what we have learned from our parents and from our own childhood is not good enough. We have to confess that we don't know how to raise our children properly, and that we need God's wisdom to help us. There are too many people, even those among the Agrarian remnant people, who have read a good book or two on the subject (like To Train Up A Child), and then they go on to train their children up like self-centered monkeys. There are reasons that Christians in earlier generations had well-behaved children. I will name a few:

1. It was not automatically assumed that children would live very long. Not many children lived to become adults and parents themselves, so there was not the idolatry that exists today towards children today. Children were not held all the time and coddled all day every day. They were not immediately satisfied or satiated when they cried. They were not the center of their parents world. The parents realized that children were a gift, but they just might not make it to adulthood – therefore their souls and their salvation were of a far higher value than their immediate, carnal, happiness. Today, since it is assumed that children will outlive the parents, parents do not put the proper value on their children's salvation. They hate their children by assuming that they will work out their salvation when they are older.

2. So they believe that childhood is a time of “play” and that, when they get older, they can learn the things they need to learn to be pious and right-minded. Play becomes the child's idol, and the parents release. The parent doesn't want to train the child, so they tell them to “go play”. Part of the house and yard becomes a playground, and all the child can think of all day long is playing. Their first thought when they wake up, and their last thought when they lay down is playing and “having fun”. This is a real anomaly, because this philosophy did not exist until Western Amerikanism codified it before WWII. Industrialism enslaved the parents to the myth of “time saving” devices, and leisure as a pursuit. The parents then had to both work out of the home in order to pay the bills for the industrial life. The child was sent to public school, or day care, or some other type of care – and they spent a good portion of the day in play. Play became the center of the life of children, from toddler age and up. Even today, when those who claim to be right-minded raise children, they have this remnant in them of how much “fun” they had when they were young, and they cannot get their minds right. So they turn their children loose for most or for a good part of the day, because they don't want to be mean and strict to their children. They want them to have fun. The child, then, becomes an idolater – and it is all the fault of the parent.

3. In older generations, the child was a productive member of the family. From a very young age the child had duties. Play was not the center of the world. “Play time” was a very limited time (not even every day) of repose, relaxation, reading, games, and exercise. Some of the most successful families only had play time a few times a week, during or after religious exercises and duties. Usually, for working Agrarian families, the time right before dark was the time for play. The rest of the day was spent in work, chores, reading, and study. All work and no play did NOT make for a dull boy. It made for an intelligent, engaged, well-spoken, attentive, obedient, and loving boy. And play is not a time for children to behave like animals. We do not let our children scream and argue and shout, just because they are “playing”. That is nonsense. Children ought to know that there are limits and restrictions to their behavior, even when they are loosened from the responsibilities of work. The reason that worldly children fight, argue, and compete and bicker is because they are taught that these things are acceptable in “play”. Children need parameters and rules. They thrive under them. They must be consistently applied. Play is not a time to turn children over to their carnal instincts and proclivities. Play is a time for the child to use his/her imagination, in a peaceful and quiet way, to explore reality, and to engage themselves and others in productive fun. If a child would not be permitted to do or say something in “real life”, then they should not be permitted to do or say it during play.

Now, these patterns – of promoting play as both an attention magnet for the child, and a stress reliever for the parent – are implanted when the child is a very small baby. The parent grows to hate the protestations of the child, so they dangle things in front of the child, or give them a rattle, or crank up a wind up “mobile” in order to distract the child. They are taught by child psychologists that this actually grows the child's brain. In fact, these things, when they are done repetitively and all day long, become a drug to the child. The child is not taught to sit quietly without some flashing light, moving object, or bright color, to distract them. They become drug addicts and idolaters. And it is all the fault of the parent.

Now, I have had parents say to me things like “I don't want to just beat the child all day long”, as if that is necessary or right. It actually is quite infuriating, because they are insinuating that the reason my children are well-behaved and the reason that theirs are not is because I must beat my children all day long. This statement is a cop-out and is an excuse for not properly working to train the child. I do not beat my children all day long. I don't have to, since they behave themselves. A child has to be broken in order to have his will submitted to that of the parent – just as the Christian must have his will broken in order for him to submit to the will of Christ. A child who does not instantly obey his parents without regard to consequences is a poorly trained child, and it is a sign of a parent that is not submitted to Christ. If the bad behavior is confronted, and is overwhelmingly dealt with – the child will be trained in short order. The people who have said these colossally stupid things to me would be shocked to know that I could train their child to behave properly in 1 week. Guaranteed. I probably wouldn't even spank them any more than they are currently being spanked, probably even less. The problem is (and we have experienced this in the past) that I would turn this obedient child back over to his rebellious and idolatrous parents just to have him retrained in bad habits in just a few days.

We had a young couple come and visit us about 10 month ago with their 1 year old young boy. We trained the parents, and the parents did what we told them to do. They kept up the proper discipline when they left here, and when they moved back 8 months later, that was one of the happiest and most well behaved child I ever saw. They have constantly commented (as have others) that their boy is as happy as any they have ever seen. The boy lives here in the community now, and I can tell you that he (he just turned 2) is able to sit for LONG periods of time quietly. He doesn't run around like a monkey screaming all the time. He doesn't insist on play all day. He is polite (says yes ma'am and no sir, thank you, etc.) and is an ornament to his parents.

Your child needs to be taught to be quiet, still, obedient, patient, loving, careful, observant, etc. But they have to be TAUGHT these things, since we know that these things are antithetical to the character and condition of the carnal fallen man. If you are not properly training your children, then you do not love them. You hate them, and you are damning them yourselves. I have enough experience to tell the way a child is going after only a short time with them, because God utilized many experiences in my life, and my reading of scripture, to teach me a better way. In the end, our children will bear witness to our own obedience to our duty. How many parents will own and admit that they blew it, and that they sacrificed their children on the altar of fun, play, idolatry, and covetousness? Some will, but most others will blame someone or something else. If you want specific instructions on how to train a child to sit still and be patient, then email me again and I'll include the answer in the next issue.

For those of you who are not familiar with Q&A Fridays, I receive emails throughout the week with questions about just about anything (Bible or everyday living, pretty much any topic), and I answer those questions in a sometimes weekly email called "Q&A Fridays". I also post all of the Q&A Friday issues on BiblicalAgrarianism.com - you will find them linked on the right-hand column of the page.

Thanks,

Michael

**Disclaimer: The book I mentioned - To Train Up a Child - by Michael and Debi Pearl is a good book on training children. It is good, but not great. The Pearls are Arminians, and thus are theological heretics and adherents to apostate like Charles Finney - so be warned***

Read Michael Bunker's article OPC: The Tyranny of Other People's Children